Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
