i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
