I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
