i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
