does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
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There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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