awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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