They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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