under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
