Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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