He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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