My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
