When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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