Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
