I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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