I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
