the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
