If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
