You just made me feel so damn special
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
