Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
