Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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