so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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