Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize