If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
