On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
