i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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