just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
