My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
