I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
