Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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