I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
