420 ftw
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am available for nakedness
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
