You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
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I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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