I am in a vortex of obligation.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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