i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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