I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
