im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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