In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
