so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
