i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
