He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
