We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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