This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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