Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
