burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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