Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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