oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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