is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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