drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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