then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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