My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
