Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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