i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
