maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
