then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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