feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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