My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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