You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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