Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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